


Pro Skating Into My Asshole With A Vengeance

by SonGaton



Category: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater (Video Game)
Genre: 2000s nostalgia, Character Death, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Government Conspiracy, Green Day References, Skateboarding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29591553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonGaton/pseuds/SonGaton
Summary: Listen as Suzie recalls the story of that one time she acquired an unofficial copy of the THPS3+4 Remake, which put her in a dangerous game of cat and mouse.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	Pro Skating Into My Asshole With A Vengeance

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Pro Skating Into My Asshole](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11355135) by [Snoxen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snoxen/pseuds/Snoxen). 



I've never been on TV - not that I wouldn't deserve it, mind you - but I just like daydreaming in my head about being famous and getting interviewed on talk shows because no one else gives a shit. Am I weird for doing that? Who knows. But it's making me feel more comfortable, so let's pretend.

Because, man, do I have a story to tell.

All my trouble began when I met some weirdo at a shitty flee market. No, actually, all the trouble began when Vicarious Visions got absorbed into Blizzard. I mean the company. I'm not well versed in this business, company type stuff, but the gist of it is... Fuck Activision, man.

Why am I talking about this? Simple. Cause now that all hope for more Tony Hawk games was dead, I decided to go back to the roots and check out the classic games. I looked on Craigslist and some user called "Activision02fan" offered all his games for a good price.

The guy said I would recognize him... but shit, I was on the look for ages. Since this is America no one gave a shit about Corona and the flea market was full as hell. Luckily though, he found me. I guess a girl wearing a beanie, red flanel and a pair of Vans is still a unique enough look somehow. To be fair though, I'm wearing those sweet white Lizzie Armanto ones I got on clearance, cause who the hell has the fuck you money to buy 'em brand new? Canvas shoes tear up super quick anyway. For that exact reason I also put a lot of shoe-goo on my shoes. Honestly, for a hobby so associated with fucking losers, skateboarding is kinda expensive. I swear, if you were to touch the tail of my old-ass deck I think you'd just drop dead from getting tetanus or something.

Wait, where was I? Right, so there was this guy and he looked a bit weird. And by a bit I mean a lot. Like, a whole fucking lot. Imagine a normal ass dude who's like 20 and he just wears a diaper.

"You're here for the classic Tony Hawk games, I know, but I got something better," he said. Suddenly he reached behind him and pulled a PS4 game out of thin air. At least I like to pretend he took it from thin air cause I don't wanna imagine where the fuck he stored this whole game case. He handed it to me and then I looked at the cover, and my eyes just widened. Like woah.

I looked back up to him. "You're shitting me, right?"

He just grinned like a motherfucker. "Nope, it's real. I am from Vicarious Visions. We were developing a THPS3+4 remake for months before the plug got pulled. Sadly, we only had the time to get the 3rd game done, but it's better than nothing, isn't it?"

"For sure," I said. "In fact, this is so good that I'm not even gonna stop and question any of this." I took a look back at the game case. The cover was as unfinished as you'd imagine. It just had a THPS3+4 logo on it, behind it just a black background. Inside the case there was the disc. It wasn't anything fancy. Just a grey CD that had "THPS3" written on it with a sharpie.

Happy, I made my way to the bus stop, so I could get home and play some Tony Hawk, but of course things couldn't be that easy.

"Sorry to bother you, but..." a guy approached me. He looked a few years older than me, mid-20s I would say, and he had short, messy hair. Also he looked the kind of person that would monetize PewDiePie videos on XVideos.com to make a living for himself.

"What?" I asked, annoyed.

"The game you are holding in your hands... I saw that you got it from a diaper-wearing guy."

"Yeah, so?"

"The same guy approached me three and a half years ago. It did not end well."

In that moment I really thought he was just tryna rip me off, so I rolled my eyes. "I see, you just want me to drop this game like a hot potato so you can play it for yourself, but that ain't gonna happen, buddy."

He sighed, and just as he wanted to talk back to me the bus arrived all loudly and proudly. I stepped in and sat down, but sure enough, this weird dude stepped in as well and sat down right next to me.

"Dude, fuck off," I said to him. "Or else I'll call the cops on you and tell 'em you harassed me. Your career will be over in an instant."

The guy just shrugged. "I monetize PewDiePie videos on XVideos.com, I don't give a shit."

I quickly turned my head. "Dammit."

"Girl, I'm dead serious. I know this sounds stupid, but..." He leaned in closer to me. "Blah blah blah."

Honestly, I didn't really listen to what he said. In that moment I was focused on something else... He smelled like strawberries. I dunno if I'm just stupid or what, but surely a guy who smells like strawberries can't possibly be shady... I think.

"Look, you can't stop me from going home and playing this game," I said. "Buuut if you insist on it, you can tag along. I'm gonna destroy you in a game of H-O-R-S-E!"

The guy spit on the floor in the middle of the bus. "I'm the best at H-O-R-S-E. No way you can beat me!" Some randoe who walked past our row slipped and fell. "Anyway, mind telling me your name? For your tombstone, of course."

"Suzie Q."

"Like that song?" he asked.

"Kinda." I shrugged, knowing full well my parents gave me that name because of that stupid song. Our surname starts with Q and they like old rock music so I guess they really couldn't help themselves. Anyway... "So, what's yours?" I asked in return.

"Draco Dark-Edge."

"Of course."

As we entered my modest home in the middle of Suburbia I found that my parents weren't around, which was a bit unusual since it was Saturday and normally they'd tell me when they had plans. This made inviting a stranger into my home a tiny bit more terrifying. I had to keep my cool though, so I led the guy straight into my room upstairs. There, I turned on my TV and my PS4. While I did that, Draco looked around my room.

"Nice posters, you got there," he said. "I like the Green Day one."

"Really? What's your favorite song of them?" I asked, while I put the game disc out of the case and inserted it into my console. And lo and behold, the game actually began installing.

"Last Night on Earth," Draco answered.

Surprised, I turned around to look at him as he sat down on my bed. "Wow, didn't expect you to be such a softie."

"I guess I am..." he said. "I feel like most guys are softer than they look like, if you ask me... Anyway, what's your favorite song?"

"Jesus of Suburbia," I quickly replied. Then I turned back to stare at the progress bar of the install as I was filled with anticipation. Thinking of Jesus of Suburbia I began humming my favorite part of the song to myself.

"Dearly beloved are you listening?  
I can't remember a word that you were saying...  
Are we demented or am I distu-urbed."

"The space that's in-between insane and insecure," Draco sang.

"Not bad", I said. And as the install finally completed, I grabbed the bad controller I always give to guests and threw it over to Draco. "Now prepare yourself to get wrecked."

I boot up the game and without any intro scene it just loads for a bit and then puts me right into the main menu. Just like in the first remake the soundtrack played at all times as a playlist, so at least there was some bomb-ass music from the get-go. The first song playing was Blitzkrieg Bop by the Ramones.

"No opening video? That's wack," Draco noted. "And familiar. You still wanna do this?"

"Man, shut up. The game's incomplete, so of course there's no bells and whistles," I argued. "So, fuck yeah, I still wanna do this."

Even though the main menu kept the skate shop backdrop of the original game, everything else looked like in the THPS1+2 Remake. So, naturally, the first thing I did was press triangle. Cause I didn't wanna play as Tony Hawk, I wanted to play as myself. I clicked on one of the Create-a-Skater icons and for some unknown reason the entire TV screen just turned red and reality warped around me. It felt like I was put in a microwave, which for your information, doesn't feel very fucking good, alright. I got sucked into the TV and everything was black for a few seconds.

Then the lights turned on... Yup, I found myself in the THPS3 skate shop. I guess I should have listened to Draco.

Across the room he already yells, "I fucking told you so!" Then he sighed. "I swear, if anything is happening to my asshole again..."

"Hey, you can talk to me! How?" I wondered.

"I put on a mic. Now let's get going. There's a notification on the bottom right that says we need to get all the secret tapes."

"Yeah, alright, just one thing," I said with a stern expression.

"What is it?"

"I kinda blame you for this. Next time fucking tell me the game will literally suck me into it!"

"That's exactly what I did though! Maybe just fucking listen next time. And don't make a mistake; if anyone is in a bad spot right now - it's me!"

Draco sounded really upset so I stopped myself from arguing with him. Buuuuuut once we got into the first level my frustration level just kept rising like the sea level around the north and south pole thanks to global warming, because Draco couldn't combo for shit. All he did was grind around the foundry.

When Draco fucked up grinding the molten bucket I couldn't help myself upon respawning; I turned around while I was riding on the default Andrew Reynolds Baker skateboard and showed the finger towards the camera.

"What are you doing?" Draco asked confused.

"I could ask you the same damn thing, asshole. Stop diving into the fuckin' lava!"

"Chill," he told me. "I admit, I may not be as good at this game as I said I was, but shit, if you can do it so much better do it your damn self then!"

"Yeah, I would, but the issue is that I'm the character and you're the player!" I retorted.

"If you can flip me off just like that then surely you can skate on your on as well."

I raised an eyebrow. "That's... a good point."

And indeed I was able to move around freely. You bet your ass I ground that dumb molten bucket first try. Moreover, I reached the sick score, collected all S-K-A-T-E letters, 50-50'd TC's rail, soaked the poor foreman and unjammed all the valves, so I could unlock the next level. As for the secret tape... I asked Draco to min/max my stats so I had enough to speed, ollie and air to get up on the second floor and reach the tape. It was a bit difficult but doable.

And that was the first level. Easy peasy. I wish I could tell you the same about the rest of the game, but just after Draco put me on the Canada level some guy broke into the house. He and Draco were arguing so loud that I heard it through the mic. Apparently I was still logged in to PSN, so all my online friends could see me playing this unreleased game, so this guy from Activision came by. I dunno what would have happened if that asshole pulled the plug on me and took the CD, but luckily Draco could prevent that by straight up tackling that motherfucker. You could hear the fists flying.

No idea who had the upper hand in that brawl cause next thing I know I hear a gunshot. 

"What the fuck?" Draco screamed. The Activision guy's blood was sprinkled all over him. There was even a little piece of brain on his once white polo shirt.

"Where's the girl?" the stranger asked. He had a thick chinese accent.

No lie, I was scared shitless, so I didn't even move to complete the objectives. I stood there and listened.

"Believe it or not... She's in the game."

"Well, get here out of there then."

Draco gulped. "Uh, the only way to do that would be... by beating the game."

"So beat the damn game then!"

"Ah, alright..." Draco took the controller and began playing. I followed all of his inputs.

"Damn, son, you're fucking trash at this game," the chinese man said. "You better not waste my time. If I have to do this myself I will kill you."

"Eek!" Draco sqeaked like a rubber duck. "I try my best, I swear! But it's not that easy when you put that gun against my head."

"You better get used to it."

Draco just kept doing his fucking grinds so I started doing my own thing again, hoping that the chinese dude wouldn't notice, but I was too late. Before I could even get a big combo going he would order Draco to return to the main menu.

"Show me how you got the girl into the game."

Draco pressed triangle and hovered over the second CaS slot. "There, all you have to do is press X now."

"Good. Now give me the controller."

As Draco handed over the controller another chinese dude entered the room. Then that guy took the controller and hit the X button. Promptly, he got sucked into the game just like I did.

"Wait, what's that?" I heard Draco ask.

"It's a... What do you young people call it - a USB stick", the chinese man explained. "Just a little something to make the game more interesting."

Something made click and suddenly, 绽放 (Blooming) by chinese Pop Punk band Larry's Pizza was playing.

"Let us play a game of H-O-R-S-E."

"S-sure..."

Shortly after, I found myself spawning in the Foundry level. I looked behind me and sure enough there was a chinese dude behind me. He kinda looked like that bad guy in Karate Kid II - and I mean the young one, not the grandpa. By the way, did you watch Cobra Kai? That show kicks ass.

So, uhh... If I'm being honest, I kinda had the hots for the chinese dude - for around 3 seconds until he pulled a fucking gun out of his shirt. Yeah, I noped out quick. Went down to the left, rode on that way and jumped one of them yellow handrails for a fast grind. I went like all the way to the other side of the level and of course that jackass was following me and I dodged all his bullets... somehow.

When that molten bucket came down, I ollied like my life depended on it, which I guess it kinda did, and ground on one of the rails on the side of that thing. And just as my follower followed suit, shit went tits up and he fell into the lava. Luckily, he didn't respawn after that. It was only a bit traumatizing.

Well, guess who wasn't okay with what just happened...

"That was my nephew," the remaining chinese dude said.

"Please don't shoot me!" Draco said.

Next thing I heard was a gunshot. But don't make a mistake; Draco wasn't the one getting shot. Man, who am I kidding, you probably expected this swerve anyway, because yes, yet another man appeared out of nowhere and shot the bad guy in the head.

"Well, that's two dead men on the floor..." the stranger said.

"Yeah, about that... I was kinda busy, so..." Draco explained. "Mind giving me a hand?"

After, uh, taking out the trash, the stranger explained that he was sent by the NSA.

"We've been on the diaper guy's ass for years," he said. "We knew he acquired a suspicious item recently and of course we knew that he was going to meet up with one of the residents of this house."

"Really? How did you know who he was going to meet up with?" Draco asked.

"SuzieQ123 doesn't leave much to the imagination," the NSA guy said. "On that matter, where is she?"

"I know this sounds stupid, but she's in the game."

"Oh really? In this case, tell her if she wants to see her parents again, she has to get out of there and show up in this room."

"I guess I shouldn't ask, but... what's the deal here?"

"Oh, don't worry about it." The NSA guy chuckled. "I might as well tell you. This game... It's not just a game. Sure, it looks like one, but that's only window dressing. The disc contains valuable information. We need it to fight terrorism and we can't have any of this being leaked to the public."

"I see," Draco said. "...I think."

"I'm glad you do," the NSA guy quietly said.

"Wait, what are you do-"

I heard another gunshot.

"Sorry, fella. Can't have you talking..."

I just exhaled as my heart sunk. And I stood still while my board kept rolling forward. All my special meter drained in an instant. 'What the fuck,' was the thought that was racing through my head.

After dumping the dead body somewhere, the NSA guy took the mic and the controller and went back to the main menu and then to the level section. He picked the Canada level and gave it his best shot getting to the secret tape, but no matter what he tried I always bailed on purpose. That's the rebellion of the people.

"This is bullshit!" he complained. "Hey! Suzie, can you hear me?"

"What's that? Did you ask me something?" I jokingly asked, as I cruised around on my own. "Sorry, I can't speak asshole-ish."

"So that's a yes then..." he said, as he watched me skate one of the bowls with steaze. "If you wanna play this game, be aware I can always just pull the plug on you and get what I want without you."

"Oh please, if you could you would have gotten rid of me already," I retorted while I was doing a sick 180 Christ Air. Some randoe who was standing near the bowl watched and applauded me.

"Do you really wanna test me?" NSA guy asked.

I jumped out of the bowl and held my board down with one foot. "You're no fun... Fine, I'll get these stupid tapes. Just let me do it my way. On my own."

"That works with me. But don't do anything stupid," the NSA guy said. "By the way, do these games always have chinese music in them?"

"Well, no it's cause..."

Suddenly... No there wasn't another dude coming up into my crib, relax. But that random NPC at the bowl, he whispered to me, "don't tell him!"

"Uhh, yeah, no, yes... I mean..." I said to the NSA guy. "It's just become part of skate culture now, ya know... Like, we've become all inclusive and shit. Also chinese stuff just kinda rocks, I tell ya."

"Yeah, whatever," he just said. "Anyway, what's that thumb drive doing on your console?"

"Don't touch that! I got all my music on there. I need it for the Media Player app."

"What, you don't have Spotify?"

"Fuck no, I don't," I said angrily. "Do I look like one of those preppy girls to you? I ain't paying when I can get all my shit for free."

"...Cheapo."

"Damn straight."

Now all alone in this crazy, crazy world I had no choice but to do what was the goal from the beginning: gather the secret tapes. Despite everything I was surprised that the game itself didn't seem to want to kill me. It was like one of those moments in a movie when nothing is going on and the protagonist says some corny shit like, "it's quiet. Too quiet."

In my case I at least had a kick-ass playlist blasting in the background, but still, same energy. Not feeling any good vibrations, I went on doing all the objectives and stuff. Later on when I was doing the Airport level, I was growing a bit bored and it seemed like the NSA guy stopped paying attention, so I fucked around a bit here and there, which luckily flew under the radar.

Well, I should be really thankful for my short attention span and lack of discipline cause by doing random shit I actually finished a Create-a-Skater challenge completely by accidence. I still don't even know what I did, but anyway, when I snagged a plane ticket and gave it to some dude he didn't just thank me, but also... he told me to keep doing the CaS challenges.

The chinese dude's USB stick seemed to have kept fucking with the game way beyond adding some weird ass music to the playlist, as I suddenly found out I could access the pause menu by myself. That way I could check what challenges I had yet to do. You better believe I was more keen on following orders from NPCs rather than listening to Mr. NSA, who fucking killed a guy. I mean, I guess I shouldn't mourn too much for a guy who monetized PewDiePie videos on XVideos.com, but still, he seemed like a nice guy... He tried to warn me, too.

So I made up my mind about fucking over the NSA dude, but there was just one problem...

"What are you doing there?" he asked me in a way that sent chills down my spine.

"Uhh..." I kinda blanked out there for a second, but don't worry - I wouldn't be me if I didn't know how to bullshit my way out of things. "I kinda need to do this thing right now, trust me."

"Trust you? You better tell me right now what the hell is going on."

I sighed. "Look, man, I don't know if you have noticed it, but I'm like, super low-leveled. Look at the upper right corner."

"LVL31," he read out. "Seems good enough for me."

"Yeah, except it fucking isn't," I told him. "Ever played, like, any game ever? You need to level up to do shit. I'm way underleveled for this part of the game."

"I'm sure you'll find a way through. It's just collecting some stupid floating tapes," NSA dude argued. "How hard can it be?"

"If you wanna give it another go, then be my guest, tough guy."

"No, listen. Im not going to keep arguing with some bratty teenager." He sounded really upset. "Do as I say and shut up. Or else, suffer the consequences."

"Gee, alright... Whatever, man. But don't be surprised when this takes longer than necessary," I said. "Also, I'm 21, assho-"

The fucker made that shhh noise to shut me up like I was a child or something. That's the moment it got personal. Like, real personal.

Anyhow, like the good citizen that I am, I complied with the authority's orders. I snagged the tape on the Airport and then told the MSA guy so. Then he sent me to Skater Island and guess what - if you know your shit about THPS3 I don't need to tell you this, but: there is no tape on that level.

"Hey, dude, you listening? I try doing as you say but there is no tape on this level."

"Then let's skip to the next one..." he said in the same tone as my teachers in school when I told them a dog ate my homework. "Sure it did..." they'd just say. Sometimes they'd roll their eyes, too. But now look at them, rotting in their underpaid 9-5 jobs, helping kids get educated and contributing something to society. Meanwhile I was doing the gnarly shit, like indirectly killing a dude from the chinese mafia and playing chess on my own against the NSA. And being trapped in a videogame... Life is funny sometimes.

"Man, what is this? The next level is locked?" the NSA guy finally noticed.

Couldn't help but put on my biggest shit-eating grin in response to his confusion. "Fuckin'-a right it is. Wouldn't you look at that."

"So how are you planning to fix this?" the dumb asshole asked. The audacity.

"I already had a plan, motherfucker," I carefully reminded him. "But since that apparently wasn't good enough, I guess the joke is on you. So whatcha gonna do, Einstein?"

"Ah, man..." he said, finally broken. "I didn't expect the fight against terrorism to be this boring. And annyoing... Fuck..."

"Whine, whine, whine... Literally all you need to do is absolutely nothing," I said. "That's, like, the best job ever."

"Huh..."

"So can I do my shit now?" I asked.

"Do whatever is necessary."

And that, my guys, was my ticket to freedom. Almost. Kinda. Not really... I'm not gonna bother you with all the details, but in a nutshell I took my sweet time doing all these challenges, racking up EXP and shit. By the end of it I already heard the NSA guy snore like crazy, as if the dude went into hibernation or some shit. Must have gotten really late.

Well, the last challenge I did was the worst one... I had to hold a lip trick for like 10 full seconds. Sounds easy, right? But it's hard as hell. For real. Go try it, I dare you. But once I got it, I got it - and finally, I got my reward. A message popped up.

It said "Congratulations!" in big letters. Below that, there was more... "Thanks for doing this. Who sent you here?"

I didn't really know what to do, so I shouted, "I just wanted to play some Tony Hawk, dude" to no one in particular. Then the message closed and a ball of light appeared in front of me. Gradually, it took on the silhoutte of a person.

As the light disappeared again I suddenly had a guy standing in front of me. Not that that was a bad thing doe... Quite the contrary. When I saw him I, uhh... gaped a little. Brown shoulder-long hair, stubbles, a determined look on his face... He even wore a denim vest over his flannel as if he wasn't hot enough already.

He looked me straight in the eyes. "Congrats. You unlocked a new skater - me. Thank you."

"Neat. No problemo."

"You freed me, but still, I wonder..." He narrowed his eyes. "Can I trust you?"

I was a bit taken aback, so to speak. "Huh?"

"Maybe you wanted to lure me out in the open," he guessed. "You know, it is kind of suspicious that out of anyone that could possibly come out to save me it's... someone like you. And on top of that, there's that chinese mod that fucked with the code. Did the chinese mafia send you to get me?"

I scratched my beanie. "There's lot to unpack here. But no... I'm one of the good guys here. It's a long story."

"In this case, I'm relieved." He slowly came closer. "It just felt like it was too good to be true, you know... Cause I kinda happen to have a thing for inoffensively alternative girls..."

"In-o-what?"

"Say, what's your favorite Twenty One Pilots song?" he whispered into my ear.

That was fucking weird, but still, I wanted to impress him, so after a bit of thinking I remembered that WWE 2K17 had one song of the band in the soundtrack. "...Ride."

"Nice. You have good taste," he said. "Anyway, my name's Jeff. I'm one of the devs who was working on the now canned remake. I secretly made a copy of the latest build and kept working on it at home. Unfortunately, one night I got hit on the back of my head and when I woke up I was already trapped in this game..."

"Well that sucks. Also you don't like a developer." I smirked. "You don't look nerdy enough."

"Oh, I just got into programming as a job fairly recently. Before that I did it on the side when I was bored or out of skating thanks to injury," he explained.

"So, you're a skater, too, huh? Beating this game should be easy then. I need these secret tapes, man..."

Jeff crossed his arms. "And then what?"

"Then I can get the fuck out of here and get my parents back," I said.

He raised an eyebrow. "They're being held hostage?"

"Yeah, by the NSA of all things..."

"I see..." He looked to the ground for a second, as if he was thinking about something. Then he looked back at me. "Let's get started then."

So I restarted the level. He spawned right next to me on a skateboard and together we rocked that competition. Yeah, we got a score of 99.9 every turn, easily. We even unlocked the secret score challenge of like 2.5 million or something.

Moving on to the Los Angeles level, it wasn't much of an obstacle either... Well, except that one time I went up to grab the tape. For a second, everything went pitch black and I fell out my grind.

I got up and skated all the way back to the rail that leads up that big house. "Yo, Jeff, did the game just fuck with you, too, or was it just me?" I yelled.

"Yes," he yelled back from afar. "We need to hurry up!"

On my second try I collected the secret tape easily. Jeff took care of the remaining the objectives and we moved on to Tokyo. I always wanted to to visit Japan, so getting to this level was pretty neat, however I couldn't enjoy it as much as I should have, cause the stupid game kept fucking up. I'm talking flickering, stuttering, even objects disappearing for split seconds.

On top of that I couldn't stop thinking about, well, everything. Buying an unreleased game from a diaper-wearing guy, being sucked into said game, people breaking into my house, a buncha people getting killed... Felt weird.

All the bugs and glitches kept me and Jeff from getting perfect scores but we still got that silver medal, so whatever, I guess. Before entering the final level Jeff came up to me.

"All this weird shit that's happening, it ain't normal," he said. "It's that chinese mod that's fucking things up, and not by accident. It appears to me that it's doing it on purpose."

My eyes widened. "So what now?" I asked. "Should I wake up NSA guy and tell him to pull the stick out?"

"No, that's too risky. It might cost us our life," he explained. "We need to finish this game before everything turns to shit. And when we're out of here, we need to get ahold of this thumbdrive, ASAP. Got that?"

I nodded.

On the cruise ship level we both turned around from our spawn point and skated up the ramp. I went up on one of the flag-line-thingies. Jeff went up to the other one. I had trouble keeping my balance as I was grinding on it. When I looked over to Jeff I saw his line disappear and he fell to the ground. So I was on my own. I got on the big red thing, the highest point of the ship - I'm not sure what it is... Is it a funnel? I'll call it a funnel. So I got there and I took a breath.

I'm gonna be honest, I already knew what I got myself into. I dunno why, but whenever I ollie out of a ramp I always end up going to the left or right ever so slightly. And in this case, on this funnel thing, jumping too far either left or right would mean falling down. So for a bit I was staring at the stupid tape high up in the sky. Then I looked to the left. The other flag line thing just disappeared as well. I gulped.

For a start I went in slow, went up one of the quasi-ramps, then came down and ollied up the one on the opposite. I already noticed I was landing a bit too far on the edge for my liking, so I stopped and ollied up both ramps again, doing flip tricks in the air to gain special meter.

With everytime I went up in the air and came down I noticed more and more of the ship flickering and then disappearing. So when my special meter got maxed out, I stopped for a last time.

"Don't be afraid, Suzie!" Jeff yelled from out of the pool. "You can do it, I'm sure!"

"Alright..." I muttered as I wiped the sweat off my face.

Lazer focused, I ollied up one ramp, skated to the next, ollied it up as well, did an Indy and then I skated back to the other ramp and ollied up way up to the sky and collected the last secret tape.

On my way down I saw that the entire ship disappeared. There was only water. I was stuck in the air. Then, the water disappeared as well and everything went black. A message popped up.

"You did it, you collected all secret tapes. I don't know who you are, but you are too late. The truth is, the game was rigged from the start. However, I am a man of my word, so enjoy your regained freedom and savor it for as long as you can."

Below the message there was a button that said "accept your fate". I clicked on it and everything went white for a few seconds. And when it disappeared I was standing in my room. My old, boring room. I was so happy.

Then Jeff appeared, too. While I was staring at the thumbdrive, his eyes were on the NSA guy sleeping on my bed. He had a loose grip on his gun.

The thumbdrive had a little lamp that flickered. Then the green light stabilized and the thumbdrive made a clicking sound. I pulled it out immediately and put it in my pocket. The sound woke up the NSA guy but right as he opened his eyes and sat up, Jeff punched him in the eye and grabbed his gun.

Jeff pointed the gun at the NSA guy. "You better tell us where Suzie's parents are, asshole."

"Aww man..." the NSA guy said while he was holding a hand over his injured eye.

"By the way, Suzie..." Jeff said, while keeping his eyes locked on the NSA guy. "I like that Green Day poster." He grinned.

"Oh, really? You listen to them? What's your favorite song?" I asked.

His grin disappeared. "Whatsername."

"Well, that's depressing," I remarked. "Tough breakup?"

"For sure. Had this huge crush on a girl when I was 15. I never got over her." He really poured all his heart out on me and the NSA guy, while pointing a gun at him. "You know what she said when we broke up?"

"Oh, I remember that!" the NSA guy said, still lying on my bed and holding his eye shut. "That story was all over the playground back in the day."

"Shut up!" Jeff yelled. Then he frowned. "She just said, 'see ya later, boy' and then stood up and left. What kind of person does that?"

"Man, that sucks," I said. "I know you're angry, but you gotta let go, man. You know that Beatles song? Life flows on within you and without you. If you don't move on, life will move on without you anyway. You can't be stuck in the past."

"Yes, you're right... But I can't decide how I feel. But I guess it's easier to cope knowing that all the people who laughed at me don't even remember any of this anymore."

Jeff and I heard laughs.

"Sorry, guys," the NSA guy said. "I'm wired. All my colleagues heard everything and are laughing their asses off at your little sob story, Jeff."

"You asshole!" Jeff screamed. "Do you want to die?"

"Jeff! Chill!" I screeched. "We need him."

Jeff sighed. "You're right..."

"Good. Now just one thing..." I went up to the NSA guy and looked under his turtle neck collar. "There we go." I ripped out the bug and threw it out the window.

"Very good, Suzie," Jeff said. "Now, NSA dude, how many of your colleagues will come after us now? Be honest."

"About 10 of them, I'd say," the NSA guy claimed. "You are both done for."

"Are you sure about that? Because in that case I might as well shoot you on the spot," Jeff said. "On the other hand, if it were only, say 1 or 2 them, I could use you as a hostage to get out of this sticky situation."

"Alright, alright. It's only 2 of them..." NSA guy admitted.

"In this case, get up. We'll go downstairs."

As the two men went on their way down, I stopped by my parents' bedroom, opened up the drawer and grabbed my dad's gun. It was one of them 9mm ones. I went downstairs and found no one there, so I went outside and saw Jeff holding the NSA guy like some kinda meatsheald while he was frantically looking left and right.

"So... We're gonna take 'em head-on?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Well, good thing I came prepared..." I positioned myself right behind Jeff and held up my gun, staring at the road.

"Heh... Guess we got the upper hand now," Jeff said. "Right, NSA guy?"

"You idiots got yourself in a lot of trouble," NSA guy said under heavy breath.

"Man, shut the fuck up," Jeff said and hit him on the head with the bottom of the grip of his pistol.

"Fuck!" NSA guy screamed in pain.

Despite this, I still heard a car approaching. "They're coming."

Jeff turned to the side and we both watched as a black car came closer and stopped a couple feet away from us. The car was so clichéd it looked like the one from Starsky and Hutch. Two men in black suits stepped out, immediately pointing their guns at us.

"Let the man go or we will open fire," one of them shouted.

"Fuck you! Fucking try me, asshole," Jeff yelled. "One twitch and your buddy here is dead."

We all stared at each other. It was probably only a few seconds but it felt like an eternity. Sweat already ran down my forehead. It soaked my eyebrows wet. Any more and I would have gone blind from my own sweat. I wanted to just wipe it all off but I couldn't lose focus.

Then I saw another black van coming ahead.

"Yo, is that back-up?" I shouted.

The two suits looked a bit confused, but didn't really react to what I said.

"I thought there'd only be the two of you," I continued.

The van stopped and 4 men in suits stepped out. "Oh shit," I mumbled.

"If you think you can distract us like that," one of the NSA men said, "then you are dead wrong."

"Yeah, as if we'd be stupid enough to fa-" said the other man before he got shot in the back twice, sending him flying in my direction and burying me.

While I was down I heard more gunshots, as well as Jeff seemingly - or hearingly? - whacking the meatshield NSA guy a second time. At the time I had no clue why the fuck he did that, but in hidsight, I know he wanted him unconscious on the ground so he wouldn't get shot, too.

When I pushed the dead body off me to the side I saw Jeff throwing his hands up in the air. Then I saw the bodies. And finally, the 4 chinese gentlemen holding us at gunpoint.

"Don't shoot," Jeff said calmly. "If you want something, we can get it."

One of the men lowered his gun and walked up close to Jeff. He looked a bit older and had a funny mustache. "The USB stick. Where is it?"

"The girl has it..."

All eyes were on me. I slowly stood up. When I was just about to reach for the stick...

"Dont-" mustache guy said loudly.

I froze instantly.

"...move."

He came up to me and looked at me like our eyes were magically glued to each other. "Just tell me where it is."

"Left pocket."

He reached into one of my pockets. "There is nothing."

"Whoops, I meant my left," I explained. "Sorry..."

I screamed internally, but mustache guy stayed calm, luckily, and just reached for the other pocket of my jeans.

He pulled out the stick and looked at it. He smiled. "Good," he said, before putting it in the inside pocket of his jacket and going back to the van.

A breath of relief was coming up my throat and got stuck there because this fucker, when he already opened the damn car door, looked back at me and told me to tag along.

"You and your friend are coming with us," were his exact words.

"What?" Jeff asked all upset. "You got what you wanted!"

Mustache man shook his head and smirked. "You are in no position to negotiate."

One of the mooks hit Jeff on the back of his head. Ironically, he got hit with a pistol grip. He fell over like a domino. No lie, I would have laughed if I wasn't already scared shitless at that moment.

I threw up my hands. "No complaints from me, guys. Where do you want me to sit?"

Was I being a pussy in that moment? Maybe. But I know better than to fuck with the fucking chinese mafia, alright. So there I was sitting in the back of the van on my way to fuck who knows where. The van was like in GTA V where you can sit on a bench. I was sitting across the mooks, avoiding eye contact. Jeff was placed next to me and he leaned on me cause he was still mostly kinda unconscious.

Most of the drive I was looking out the back winow, but not for too long cause that would make me sick, like, literally. I was also asking myself a bunch of questions, like, when did this turn into a Tarantino movie?

I really wouldn't wanna wish all this bull on my worst enemy, except maybe Stacy from school cause she stole my board in 8th grade. I really thought we could connect over skating and become friends and stuff, but I got played like a damn fiddle. She was a slut anyway.

And again I digress, but in a way, that's a good thing, right? Makes being kidnapped more bearable. Oh would you look at this fine transition. Seriously though, they made me throw out my phone, so I couldn't even go on TikTok or whatever. It was a cheap phone anyway... I got it off amazon for like a 100 bucks, but still.

Anyway, later we finally got to their hideout - an old warehouse. There were crates everywhere. Probably guns. Or cocaine. Or both.

We were led to the office. Jeff woke up during the drive but he still looked kinda sleepy. We sat down and in front of us was the boss on his desk, with a big ass chair, lots of paperwork and a computer and all. He came all the way from somewhere to meet us. That was kind of an honor for me but I didn't want to ask for an autograph. Also is that a sign of Stockholm syndrome? This should be a topic for another day.

The boss guy had grey, slicked back hair, wore shades and had one of those old suits with like 2 rows of buttons.

"So you are the two people responsible for all this trouble?" he asked. "You don't look very intimidating."

"Yeah, well let me put it the way you'll understand," I said. "Goku didn't look very intimidating either, did he? And he still fucked up a whole ass army of baddies."

"You are not wrong," he admitted. "But now let's get to the business."

Suddenly, mustache guy came into the office and gave boss man the thumbdrive. Boss man plugged the thing into his computer. His eyes moved from left to right like I guess he was reading something. Then he moved his head back, like half a headbang, and raised his eyebrows.

He then took a closer look at the monitor and said something in chinese. The mustache guy leaned in to look at the monitor as well and also said something. Both of them looked at each other and nodded.

The mustache guy took a step back and stood straight like a soldier. The boss looked back at us.

"The data is not complete," he said. "The missing ingredients are in both of you."

"What?" Jeff and I said in unison.

"Some of the code is imprinted into your DNA," he explained. "We need to draw blood."

"Fine, I'll donate." Jeff stood up, stretched out his arm and pulled back the sleeve of his shirt. "I got enough of it for one of your stupid samples."

"I wasn't talking about samples," the boss said.

Jeff's eyes widened. "Huh?"

Mustache guy came up to me. "Can I take you for a walk, miss?"

We both walked out of the office and two guys were walking past us right into it. One of them carried a transparent rope. Made out of plastic, I think. In silence we kept walking.

Outside the warehouse there was a lot of concrete. A perfect place to meet up and practice flip tricks, I thought to myself. There's a lot of you can do with just a board and the concrete beneath you. I could watch videos of Rodney Mullen doing his freestyle stuff forever.

I looked at mustache guy. "Anything you wanna show me? Whaddya bring me outside for?"

"I didn't want you to witness... it," he said. "Try enjoy the sunrise for a bit."

"Oh, isn't that nice of you," I said.

So I sat down on the rough concrete and stared into a neverending field of grass.

"Doesn't look that bad out here," I said. "Too bad I can still hear the scream though."

After a while mustache guy's flip phone rang. For some reason his ringtone was Eminem's Not Afraid. When he took the call, a short chinese dialogue followed. Then he hung up.

I heard the noise of the phone being flipped. I had a bad feeling in my gut but I kept staring at the grass. "Can't we just run off together and start a new life?"

"I got family, miss. They would kill them," he said. "We have to go back inside now."

After taking a deep breath I stood up. "Well then..."

For one last time I looked at my surroundings. On the street I saw a lonely delievery motorbike going about.

"I'd do just about anything for a pizza right now..." I mumbled.

"Let us go now," mustache guy said. "I will not ask you a second time."

I sighed. "Understood..."

We went to the entrance door. Mustache guy held up the door for me and I went in. After a couple steps I stopped. "Uhm, which way was it to the..." I said while I was turning around - then I noticed mustache guy staring at something outside.

I couldn't hold my curiosity and went back outside to take a look as well.

It was the pizza guy coming to the warehouse!

He drove all the way to us, stepped off his bike and walked up to mustache guy, pizza in his hand. "'Sup. Here's the pizza you ordered. Enjoy your meal."

Mustache guy looked really annoyed. "I didn't order anything," he said.

"Well, someone must have," delievery guy said. "You think I drove all the way out here for fun on my slow-ass motorbike? I mean, it's already been paid for anyway so you might as well just take it, man."

"Wait here," mustache guy said before going back inside.

I stared at the delievery guy. "So, uhh... If it's already paid for then..."

Without acknowledging me he placed the pizza box back on his bike and then he held up his watch right before his face. "This is it, guys."

"Yo, what's going on?" I asked.

Delievery guy turned around and looked back at me. "You... You don't look like you belong here."

"Duh. It's cause I don't," I said condescendingly. "In fact, they were just about to fuckin' kill me!"

"Uh, well in this case I guess I'll have to get you out of here. Like, right now," he explained.

To the surprise of no one, I wasn't exactly keen on staying with the chinese mafia so I hopped on the bike as if the floor was lava and delievery guy and I drove the fuck away. I held on tight to him. Before us up in the sky I spotted a helicopter.

"Hey, do you see that? I wonder where that thing is going to..."

Delievery guy chuckled nervously. "Yeah, me too."

"Alrighty... So... Will you tell me who you really are?"

"Sure, why not. I'm from the FBI."

"Cool beans," I said. "So what were you doing around here in the middle of nowhere?"

"Well, for one, we were on that gang's ass for a while now. We had a rat in there, which was nice. To be honest, you kind of fucked with our whole gameplan."

"Shit happens, I guess... Just one more question if you don't mind: yesterday when the mafia appeared on my door step, the guy they sent seemed to know exactly who I was. So, uh, how?"

"They watched you and diaper guy close up the deal," he answered.

A bunch of black cars drove past us from the opposite direction.

"These guys must be in a hurry," I said.

"Yeah, I guess..." delievery guy replied. "So, uh, anyway, I'll drive us to the nearest police station. You can eat a pizza and I'll talk to your for a bit. Sound cool?"

"Oh, so you want to interrogate me?"

"...Kinda."

So... I found myself inside an interrogation room. That was a first. At least I had an entire pizza all for myself. Before delievery guy could really say anything, someone else entered the room; a woman in, like, her mid-30s or so. She looked a bit like Sharon Tate but had brown, kinda wavy hair. And she wore a grey suit that looked better than I thought a suit on a woman could look.

She and delievery guy argued for a bit about ranks and who has the say and shit, I dunno, I was kinda tired at that point. I always have rings under eyes but that day even my rings had rings.

Well the guy stormed out and only the woman with the suit and I were left. She didn't bother to sit down and out of the blue she told me I could go home. She even offered me a ride home, which of course I gladly accepted. We got into her private car, a grey 4-seater. I noticed a big cardboard box sitting comfortably in the row behind. She started driving.

"This is gonna be a long ride," suit woman said. "So how about we chat a little? Don't worry, there are no secret microphones around here or anything."

"Yeah, okay. In any case, let me say the FBI is so much cooler than the stupid NSA!" I declared - words I would regret soon enough.

"Listen... I'm sorry about what you had to go through," she said. "It wasn't meant to go like this."

I was perplexed. "What do you mean?"

"I heard from our rat that you got kidnapped. I also heard that the chinese mafia was spying on you for a bit, after word got out that you would meet with Activision02fan."

"What's with everyone's obsessions with that diaper guy?" I asked.

"Diaper guy was just a courier. He wasn't the real Activision02fan. In fact, the real one is a way bigger deal than your diaper guy is. This is why everyone is after whatever he was gonna trade. No one believed for a second that he would legitimately trade a couple of videogames. There was something suspicious about it and the chinese mafia waited until you got 'the thing' so they could easily take it from you."

"Why would a girl like me buy something suspicious from a 'big deal' or whatever?"

Suit woman shrugged. "Anyone can start a criminal enterprise these days. Hell, usually it's the ordinary people who are the most succesful with it."

I raised an eyebrow. "I guess? So, uh, what's your involvement in all of this?"

She chuckled. "You already know it, don't you? Sometimes... things are really this simple, my little girl," she said. "I am Activision02fan."

For a second she turned her head to me and flashed a bright smile, before looking back at the road. For a second I was like, fuck this shit, and thought about opening the car door and jumping the fuck out, but I couldn't. I mean, not literally. The doors weren't locked or anything, I just didn't wanna get hurt. So when the adrenaline rush phased out, I was just in this 'yikes' type of mood.

"I am literally so confused right now."

"I bet you are. But it's not all that complicated. Let me explain," Activision02fan said. "As you know, I work for the FBI. And we work just like any business; we need money to operate. But... unlike other businesses we only have one customer: the US of A. So when we need more money our only option is to ask nicely - and sometimes that just doesn't work. Have you ever heard of the saying, 'create a problem, sell the solution'?"

"Yes," I replied. "And this sounds bad. Like, real bad. Like, actually very fucking bad.... Terrifying, even." I held up a finger. "Buuuuuuuut what has this to do with the Tony Hawk games again?"

"That is a valid question. Well, back in the day I was just like you, Suzie." Activision02fan smiled. "I was there when Tony Hawk's Pro Skater first took off... It was a magical time."

"Okay, aaand...?"

"And, I came up with a simple, yet brilliant plan. When I conceived it, I was playing the THPS Remake as I couldn't resist a trip down memory lane. So, knowing that the series was back and seemingly revived, I already expected that the developer team would work on a follow-up game to capitalize on its success. I befriended one of the developers."

"...Which was probably mad easy because most programming guys are starving for puss?"

"Exactly. I found out about the cancellation of the new remake the day the decision was made by higher ups. Luckily, my then-boyfriend saw one of the guys secretly making a rip of the build. He even knew this guy's address."

My jaw dropped. "This guy... His name's Jeff, right? Or... at least it was."

"Indeed," Activision02fan confirmed. "I broke into his house and knocked him unconscious. You know the rest, don't you?"

I nodded. "You did some weird shit with this build, trapped Jeff in there and then you gave it to me..."

"Yes, but there's more. I had the object of desire. Now, I just needed to draw attention to it and get the ball rolling. So... I created a persona. Or rather, I pretended to be someone else. You see, all the way over in Turkey there was this man, the leader of a dangerous terrorist group. His name was Jason Torba. He was pronounced dead back in 2015, but his body never surfaced."

"How convenient," I commented.

"It really was. By googling how to build a bomb I got the attention of the NSA on me. These pesky little fuckers... From then on, I was leaving footprints all over the internet, more and more clues that led people to believe I really was Jason Torba."

"So this is how you got the NSA on the hook... Now what about the chinese mafia?" I wondered.

"Simple. I asked our rat to spread rumors... I would say we were both very convincing. Now I only had to carry out the goods. Of course, I couldn't do it personally, so I left diaper guy a nice letter, asking him to do it for me. I was already aware he was being watched by the NSA, since these assholes would never shut up about it. 'Oh, look at this funny case we have. What kind of stuff do you do, nerds?'"

"Dicks..."

"I know, right? Well they got what they deserved. Diaper guy delievering something for none other than Jason Torba? That was huge. Whatever it was, they had to get their hands on it."

"Okay, so you convinced both the NSA and the chinese mafia to chase an unfinished copy of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Then what?"

"I expected either of them to snag the copy pretty much right away after the exchange," Activision02fan explained. "The chinese acquisition would have probably gone like this: some mooks watch the deal go down and either kidnap you or kill you on the street and take the game. Then in the investigation part one of the mooks gets sucked in, another one calls in his nerd son with the Tony Hawk mod menu, half the crew goes in trying to beat the game, everyone dies. The chinese mafia becomes weak and helpless, I reveal my secret plan, get celebrated as a hero and the FBI defeats the chinese mafia with the unintentional help of the NSA. I play everyone like a fiddle, I am a genius. Pay rise incoming."

"Lovely," I said. "Well too bad it didn't quite fuckin' work."

"I didn't expect a change in management. The new guy they sent to do this shit had more of a slow, careful approach. At least that way you're here, sitting with me. Isn't that nice?"

"Good point," I admitted. Still couldn't help but cross my arms. When I did that, one of my wrists kinda starting hurting.

"Anyway, in the case of the NSA getting them, I expected them to investigate the item and, well, die. This would have meant that a. terrorism is on the rise in the US and b. the NSA is incompetent. In this scenario more money gets spend on the fight against terrorism. And who would get the biggest cut? We, the FBI."

"Neat. Now lemme cut to the chase," I said. "What the fuck went wrong?"

"They were bigger pussies than I thought. They watched you go in first into the mouse trap. The second mouse gets the cheese, they say..."

"Or more like the third... Or fourth? There was that guy from Activision..." I recalled. "Anyway, I like how you got this elaborate plan to fuck over everyone and it just shits the bed near the end."

"Making a foolproof plan is harder than it looks," Activision02fan pointed out. "Whatever, we are almost at your house. Before I let you go though, we have to go over one little detail. Notice the part of my plan where everyone dies?"

"What about it?"

"Well, uh... The secret tapes in the game actually had a purpose," Activision02fan revealed.

"Really?" I asked surprised. "What is it?"

"With every tape you collected, some of the game's code changed its storage location from the disc to... you."

"Oh, yeah, the chinese guys were talking about this," I revealed. "That's so no one can copy your work and crack your code, right?"

"I guess that is one effect..."

"And the other would be...?"

"Death."

"Huh... Oh well," I just said.

"You take it like a champ, I like that. I think you already noticed the box behind us? It is my apology to you."

I raised an eyebrow. "Can I trust you with this?"

Activision02fan quickly exhaled through her nose. "Well you're gonna die anyway," she reminded me. "What's the worst that can happen?"

"Convinced."

She pulled up right before my doorstep. "Here we are. Time to say goodbye, I suppose."

"I guess so..." I stepped out of the vehicle and opened the backseat door, so I could lean in and grab my present. "Just so know, I am accepting this, but I still hate you."

"Can't blame you, to be honest," she responded.

When I lifted the box, the weird sensation in my right wrist extended to all of my forearm. It was kinda annoying.

Entering my home I found out it was still empty. I went up to my room and opened my present there... It was all I ever wanted: a PS2 with a bunch of classic Tony Hawk games.

On one hand, I wasn't really keen on playing videogames in my last living moments, but on the other hand, did I have anything better to do? So I hooked up the console and thought to myself: might as well start where it all began... As my last game ever I picked the first Tony Hawk game ever. The original Tony Hawk's Pro Skater that came out on the first PlayStation.

The game wasn't perfect, but it aged pretty well, especially for a PSone game. I could have had a lot of fun if it wasn't for my stupid arm pain. Over the course of my playsession it went from being pretty annoying to hurting like a bitch. I called it quits when my arm felt like it was stabbed from the inside from every angle.

What's that shit you got on the inside? The things, the arteries and shit, I think. It hurt. Anyhow, right as my thumb came in contact with the power button on the PS2, all the pain concentrated around the tip of my thumb and I just kinda froze.

Suddenly, thunderbolts came out of the console. One of them hit me and it got me buzzing like a bee for a few seconds, as my eyesight got weaker. The pain stopped. Everything turned white.

Then and there I was asking myself: am I dead? And that's how I noticed that I wasn't, because I could still think.

I could hear someone snoring. It was me. I woke up looking straight into the clear blue sky. I was laying on grass. As I stood up and looked around I quickly realized where I was: in Venice Beach. Strangely, it seemed to be completely empty. No people in sight.

However, I did hear the sound of a skateboard rolling around. That all too familiar noise... As I came closer to the local skatepark I already saw someone carving a bowl.

So I came up to the big bowl and who ollies out of it? None other than the man himself, Tony Hawk. Mid-air he grabbed his board and pulled it away from under him, so he could smoothly land on his feet.

As I looked at him in awe, our glances meet. He stood there confidently, holding his board, and cracked a gentle smile at me.

"Nice to meet you," he said.

"Yeah-uhhhh," I eloquently replied. "Rea nitomeetou, too.."

"Uhh, everything alright?"

"Yes! Couldn't be better! Love you, Tony!" I said energetically. "Wait, but not, like, that way, you know. Just like-"

"It's alright," Tony said. "I know how you meant it, don't worry. Breathe."

So I closed my eyes and breathed nice and slow, like as if I was to do some serious yoga.

"Better?" Tony asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. So... I'm guessing you're about to tell me what is going here?"

"Indeed," he confirmed. "Let's get right to the meat of it: I got news for you. I got something good to tell you, but also something bad."

"I'm already really depressed, so hit me with the good stuff so I can endure the bad stuff that follows."

"Well, I guess I can do that, but that would kinda mess up the flow and..."

"Uh, well in that case, do how you want it," I said. "It's not like I can die twice, right?"

"Well, actually... No, I'm just kidding." Tony chuckled. "Seriously though, you are not alive anymore though."

"Woah. So what is this?" I asked.

"Well, that's the good news part. We'll get to that. But now, turn around."

Upon following Tony's request I got to see yet another legend appear and skate towards me. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. "Woooowwwwwwwww..."

"Hello, how are you?" asked me none other than...

"Ro-ro-ro-ro-ro... Rodney Mullen!" I stuttered. "What are you doing here?"

"Well it is quite simple." Rodney smiled. "You aren't under the living right now, but you are not quite dead either. You, my friend, ascended to Skate Heaven."

"I what?"

Tony walked to next to Rodney and looked at me. "You heard him."

"Oh man," I said, not knowing how to react. "I need to sit down for a second."

"Luckily, there is a bench right behind you," Rodney said.

"No, there..." I turned around to see a bench. "...isn't."

I sat down. "Alright, guys, so what's the deal here? Are you two the guardians of this place or...? Is there a skate god?"

"Yes and kinda," Tony answered. "There used to be a skate god way back in the day. He was up here, looking at all of humanity that went out to shred. But one day, just looking wasn't enough."

"Though, he knew that if he went down on earth and started to skate he would be by far more gnarly than anyone could even imagine," Rodney explained. "And possibly demotivate many ambitious skaters - and maybe even garner hatred by his fellow men. That being said, he managed to come up with a solution."

"He split himself into two people, each with their own set of skills," Tony continued. "One would become a specialist at vert skating - and the other, a specialist in freestyle skating."

" **We are the god of skateboarding** ," Tony and Rodney said in unison.

For a solid 3 seconds I looked at them both all confused, but then I smiled brightly and stood up. "Holy shit!"

"Yeah. So now that you're up to speed, let's get to business," Tony said. "You have a lot of potential, Suzie. Rodney and I both agree on this. And we decided to not let that go to waste."

"Usually we keep out of interfering in other people's lives," Rodney remarked. "But since you're already here, and you seem like a truly good person, we'll make an exception."

"Thanks, guys," I said. "So what's gonna happen now?"

"You will sleep like a baby and when you wake up, everything will be normal again," Tony explained. "And unlike that one time I served a lame-ass kook I won't even have to skate your asshole to do that. Thanks for playing the PlayStation version."

"No problem. Thanks for everything, guys."

"Don't mention it." Tony smiled. "Seriously though, literally don't mention it, okay?"

Let's pretend he never said that. I flashed him a thumbs up and just like that I found myself waking up in my bed. I even wore my pajamas.

First thing I did after getting up was check my gaming set-up. The PS2 with all the games was still there. I turned on my TV and PS4 to check for the bogus Remake and somehow it wasn't there. I even pressed the button that ejects discs from the console but nothing happened. It's like the game never existed.

Then as I went downstairs I could hear the TV in the living room. When I got there I saw my dad watching some dumb action movie. I sighed in relief. Man, did I miss him... He looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin but he's the sweetest man ever.

He turned his head in my direction and smiled. "Look who finally woke up. Good morning, sweetheart."

"It's 8 AM, dad."

I sat down beside him and we watched that dumb action movie together. Mom made pancakes. Life was kinda good again.

So... What do you think?

.

.

.

"...This is a very lovely story. One has to be really creative to come up with something like this - and could maybe even make a career out of it."

Yeah, that sounds nice at all, but I didn't come up with it. No one could ever come up with stuff like that.

"I see. So you really did get sucked into a videogame?"

I watched people die, doc. This is why I'm here.

"And it is good that you are here. However, I don't think I alone can give you the help that you need. Well, what do you think? I can't force you to anything."

I get it. It's alright. So, where do we go from here?

_Man, this sucks... In my head I can't help but think of my favorite song._

_Oh therapy can you please fill a void_

_Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed_

_Nobody's perfect and I stand accused_

_For lack of a better word_  
_and that's my best excuse_

**Author's Note:**

> If you read all the way to the end then thanks for doing so. Feel free to share your thoughts of the story in the comments if you have any.
> 
> You know, the stars really aligned for this one... I've been meaning to write a skateboarding fic for a while now, but I had no idea what to write about - then I read "Pro Skating Into My Asshole" and the ideas just kept on coming. On top of that, in the past couple weeks it rained a lot where I live and it snowed like it hasn't in years, so I couldn't skate at all. I'm not crazy about skateboarding usually, but damn, I began missing it, so I had all the more reason to write this fic. I gotta say, writing this was a lot of fun. Hopefully it is fun to read, too...


End file.
